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This one's right on the edge, so moderators delete it if you need to: :o
Subject: National Poetry Contest
The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semi-finalists: a Yale
graduate, and a Newfoundlander.
They were given a single word, then allowed two minutes to come
up with a poem that contained the word.
The word they were given was "TIMBUKTU".
The Yale graduate steps to the microphone and said:
"SLOWLY ACROSS THE DESERT SAND
TREKKED A LONELY CARAVAN.
MEN ON CAMELS, TWO BY TWO
DESTINATION - TIMBUKTU".
The crowd went crazy! No way could the Newfie top that, they
thought.
The Newfoundlander calmly made his way to the microphone and
recited:
"ME AND TIM A HUNTIN' WENT,
MET T'REE WHORES IN A POP-UP TENT.
DEY WAS T'REE, AND WE WAS TWO,
SO I BUCKED ONE, AND TIMBUKTU"!
The Newfie won hands down.
And they say Canada's education level is dropping.....This just
proves them all wrong....
Ain't dat da trut?!!
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:eek: ................ :D funny ;)
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Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church ladies' group bake sale in Tuscaloosa, but she forgot to do it until the last minute.
She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets she found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying her hair and dressing and helping her son Bryan pack up for Scout camp.
But when Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured. She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake."
This cake was so important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church and in her new community of new friends. So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.
Alice found it in the bathroom -- a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing.
Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect!
Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened at 9:30, and to buy that cake and bring it home.
When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found that the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold.
Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her Mom.
Alice was horrified she was beside herself. Everyone would know, what would they think? Oh, my she wailed! She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed. All night Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing their fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.
The next day, Alice promised herself that she would try not to think about the cake and she would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a friend of a friend and try to have a good time.
Alice did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa, but having already RSVP'd she could not think of a believable excuse to stay home.
The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old South...
and to Alice's horror, the CAKE in question was presented for dessert.
Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake, she started, out of her chair to rush to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "What a beautiful cake!"
Alice, who was still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, "Thank you, I baked it myself."
Alice smiled and thought to herself,
"GOD is good."
:D
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That joke is a RIOT CB but it just had to involve some church other than a Baptist Church!!! That had to be a Bush church :D
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Subject: Priorities
CACTUS JACK A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He
began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie the second.
On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole in one when his cell phone rang.
It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible
accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be
there as soon as possible. :rolleyes:
As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf.
He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up finishing all eighteen.
He finished his round shooting a personal best 61 shattering the
club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than
10.
He was jubilant, and then he remembered his wife. :o
Feeling guilty :( he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor
and asked about his wife's condition.
The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf, didn't you?
I hope you're proud of yourself!
While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! "It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last!
For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver!"
The man was felt so guilty that he broke down and sobbed.
The doctor started to snicker and said, "Just kidding!
She died more than two hours ago. "
What'd you shoot?"
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Chicken Farmer
Chicken Farmer
A chicken farmer went into a local tavern, took a seat
at the bar next to a woman patron, and then orders a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne too!"
He turned to her and said, "What a coincidence." He continued, "This is a
special day for me, I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!" says the woman.
"What a coincidence." says the man. They clinked glasses and he asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my doctor told me I'm pregnant!"
What a coincidence." says the man. "I'm a chicken
farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."
"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I switched roosters," he replied.
"What a coincidence," she said.
:eek:
:D
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MY MY MY Hi tech conversation ;)
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I had to go searching for one to perhaps equal GG's last joke!!!!
Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their commode. Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out. He left to take care of another matter before she returned. She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the commode. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the commode seat. About that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament.
They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the commode seat bolts. Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the Hospital Emergency Room. The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her. Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before". The Doctor replied "Actually, I've seen a lot of them. I just never saw one FRAMED before."
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lmaooooo guys :D Good ones!!
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The old dilemma:
You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night when you
pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there
could only be one passenger in your car?
Think before you continue reading.
This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part
of a job application.
You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first
Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.
However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.
The candidate who was hired (out of 200
applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer.
He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital.
I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."
Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought and limitations.
Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."
HOWEVER...The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.
God, I just love happy endings. :p
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:D :D
I like the new ending!
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lmaoo Steve...... thats funny darlin :D
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Never Tick Off a Nurse
A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He
was royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around like he did his
staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came
into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down,
crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce,
"I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out!
He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing.
After a half hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers,
"What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Not with a carnation."
:D :D
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"THAT" carnation should do well "THERE" and produce some seeds and then he will "BE" his own pain. Good 'un CB :D
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ty ty buf :D
I cracked up at that one ... I wasn't expecting that ending :p
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Would you say "he got it in the end"? :D
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Little Johnny, Again:
One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. Now class I am going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit and you tell what fruit I am talking about. Okay first it's round, plumb and red. Of course Johnny raised his hand high but the teacher wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered apple. The teacher replied, No Deborah, it's a beet. But I like your thinking.
Now for the second, It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish. Well Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. Is it a peach Billy asks? No Billy I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking the teacher replies.
Here's another, it's long, yellow and fairly hard. By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on sally. A banana she says, no the teacher replies it's a squash but I like your thinking.
Johnny is kind of irritated now so he speaks up loudly, Hey I've got one for you teacher, let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay I've got it. It's round, hard, and it's got a head on it. Johnny she cried that is disgusting; nope, answers Johnny, it's a quarter but I like your thinking.
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Some of you may have already gotten this in your email (it's making the rounds) but I found some of em so funny I had to post em here:
These are too funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just in case you need a laugh: Remember it takes a college degree
to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one.
Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs. After every
flight,
QuantaâEUR(tm)s pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells
mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the
problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the
gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground
crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some maintenance complaints
submitted by Quntas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions
recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Quantas
is
the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet
per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love th is one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be
serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last........
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like
a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
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hahaha....... those are great!! :D
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Yep, especially the last one. :)
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This one is funny, and it does seem familiar but I ain't looking through all of these jokes to see if it has been posted before---so just read it and have a laugh:
Two ninety year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives
It seems that Sam is dying, and Moe comes to visit him every day. "Sam,"
says Moe, "You know how we have both loved baseball all our lives, and
how we played minor league ball together for so many years. Sam, you
have to do me one favor. When you get to Heaven, and I know you will go
to Heaven, somehow you've got to let me know if there's baseball in
Heaven."
Sam looks up at Moe from his death bed, and says, "Moe, you've been my
best friend many years. This favor, if it is at all possible, I'll do
for you."
And shortly after that, Sam passes on.
It is midnight a couple of nights later. Moe is sound asleep when he is
awakened by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calls out to him,
"Moe.... Moe...."
"Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Moe, it's me, Sam."
"Come on. You're not Sam. Sam just died."
"I'm telling you," insists the voice "It's me, Sam!"
"Sam? Is that you? Where are you?"
"I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've got really
good news and a little bad news."
"So, tell me the good news first," says Moe.
"The good news," says Sam "is that there is baseball in heaven. Better
yet, all our old buddies who've gone before us are there. Better yet,
we're all young men again. Better yet, it's always spring time and it
never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want,
and we never get tired!"
"Really?" says Moe, "That is fantastic, wonderful beyond my wildest dreams! But, what's the bad news?"
"You're pitching next Tuesday"
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oh yeah a classic ..... always a good one :D
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At the Loch
A young Scottish lad and lassie were
sitting on a low stone wall, holding
hands, and just gazing out over the loch.
For several minutes they sat silently,
then finally the girl looked at the boy
and said, "A penny for your thoughts,
Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's
aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and
kissed him. Then he blushed. Then the
two turned once again to gaze out over
the loch.
After a while the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts,
Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps its
aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and
cuddled him. Then he blushed. Then
the two turned once again to gaze out
over the loch.
After a while the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts,
Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps its
aboot time you let me poot me hand
on your leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand
and put it on her leg. Then he blushed.
Then the two turned once again to
gaze out over the loch.
After a while the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts,
Angus."
The young man knit his brow. "Well,
now," he said, "my thoughts are a
bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the girl in a whisper,
filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad.
The girl looked away in shyness,
began to blush and bit her lip in
anticipation of the ultimate request.
Angus blurted out, "Din'na ye think
it's aboot time ye paid me the first
three pennies?"
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That young Scot must have been my brother!!!!
Very good---pay first; play later. (Couldn't have been me, cause I'm asitting in front of my computer :( )
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Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays.
These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country.
Here are last year's winners...
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a Solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATT machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. Instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. Traveling at 55 mph, the other from Taat 4:19 p.m. At a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
:D
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Polite Way to Pee
During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners,
asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how
would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite."
What about you Peter, how would you say it?"
Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be
right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the
dinner table."
"And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your
good manners?"
"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment?
I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll
get to meet after dinner!"
The teacher fainted......:D
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Pfizer Corp. is making the announcement today that Viagra will
soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi
Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.
Pepsi's proposed ad campaign claims: It will now be possible
for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we
can no longer call this a soft drink. This additive gives new
meaning to descriptions like cocktails, highballs and just a
good old fashioned stiff drink.
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of Mount And
Do.
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lmaooooo those are both great you two :D
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Though Kentucky is the state mentioned in the joke, use any state you wish ie. NY, CO, TX, UT CA, NH, etc.--buf(I know you know you could do that!! Rednecks are everywhere; except in my house :D )
A Kentucky couple, both bonified rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed". The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision--why after nine children, would they choose to do this.
The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.
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lmaooooo Thats bad buf :D :D
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Well, if you think my last joke was bad, try these two.
Eighteen Bottles of Whiskey
I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my
wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink,
or else... I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.
I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents
down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then
withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it,
with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the
cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which
I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and
poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle
from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the
rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and
poured the cork down the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the
glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.
When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand,
counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which
were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and
finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I'm not
under the affluence of incohol as some thinkle peep I am. I'm not
half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who
is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.
***********
Two hunters in Georgia were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too. "Hey, I
don't want to tell you how to do something... but I can tell
you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other
direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."
After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.
A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You
know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"
"Yeah," the other added, "but we're getting farther away
from the truck...."
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lmaoooo those are great buf :D
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That first one tickled me buf. :D
Liam
