Anyone heard any new jokes lately?

I DON'T THINK LIL JOHNNY IS VERY YOUNG!! SMART, BUT NOT YOUNG.---Buf :D



During one of her daily classes a teacher, trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date--- having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded saying, "That would be rude and impolite."
What about you Peter, how would you say it?"
Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table."
"And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
"I would say: 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after supper."
The teacher fainted.

The Hitman


One morning, a man approached the first tee, only to find another guy approaching from the other side. They began talking and decided to play 9 holes together.

After teeing off, they started off down the fairway, continuing their chat.

"What do you do?" the first man asked.

"I'm a salesman. What about you?"

"I'm a hitman for the mob," he replied.

The hitman noticed that the 1st guy started getting a little nervous but he continued. "Yeah. I'm the highest paid guy in the business. I'm the best." He stopped, sat down his bag of clubs, and pulled out a fancy, high powered rifle that was loaded with all types of scopes and sights. He then asked the man where he lived.

Still nervous the man replied, "In a subdivision just west of here."

The hitman placed the gun against his shoulder, faced west, peered into a scope and asked "What color roof ya' got?"

"Gray."

Then he asked "What color siding?"

"Yellow."

"You got a silver Toyota?"

"Yeah," replied the first man who was now completely amazed by the accuracy of the hitman's equipment. "That's my wife's car."

"That your red pickup next to it?"

Looking baffled the man asked if he could look through the scope.

Looking through the sights, he said "Hell, that's my buddy Jeff's truck. What the hell is he doing there if I'm..?"

The hitman looked through the scope once more. "Your wife a blonde?"

"Yeah."

"Your buddy got black hair?"

"Yeah!"

"Well, I don't know how to tell you, but I think you've got a problem. He doesn't have any clothes on either," said the hitman.

"Problem??! THEY'VE got the problem! I want you to shoot both of them! Right now!"

The hitman paused and said, "Sure. But it'll cost you. Like I said, I'm the best. I get paid $5,000 per shot."

"I don't care! Just do it! I want you to shoot her right in the head, then shoot him right in the groin!"

The hitman agreed, turned, and took firing position. He carefully stared into the sights, taking careful aim. He then said, "You know what buddy? This is your lucky day. I think I can save you $5,000!"

2 short ones:

DON'T MESS WITH CHILDRED:

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales The teacher said

it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even

though it was a very large mammal its throat was very

small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human;

it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven

I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The

litt! le girl replied, "Then you ask him".

AND ANOTHER ONE:

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary

school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The

nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is

watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the

table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a

note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm

NEWS FLASH.....THIS JUST IN:

Redneck Special Forces ..... Yea, Buddy!!!!!

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting
unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces. These Alabama,
Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee and
Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the
following facts about terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music OR Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.

ROTFL.......I suggest this thread be renamed "Buf's Corner."

Make terrorists responsible for the death of Harlan Sanders, too....it'll be over tonight.

Ah don't write 'em--Ah just passes 'em on; IF they give me a tickle.

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come
over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle,
and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when
it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box,
it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the
puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has
the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the
box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no
matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to
relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then........"

He sighed................

"Now Let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

Why am I tired?
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax buildup, poor blood or anything else I could think of.
But now I found out the real reason:
I'm tired because I'm overworked.
Here's why:. . .
The population of this country is 273 million.
140 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of these there are 29 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden.
Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 14.8 million people who work for state and city governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are sitting on your butt, at your computer, reading jokes.
Nice. Real nice. :mad: :D

I am guilty BJ. Sure am proud and happy that I have done my "stint" and am enjoying retirement to it's (my) fullest :D But then, I am not the only one in this category :)

Hey buf, enjoy it my friend, im sure it's well deserved. Since it's about tax time I have sent this letter in along with my tax return. :D

Dear IRS,

Enclosed is my 2005 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes.
Please note the attached article from USA Today , wherein you will see the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.
I am enclosing four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029), bringing my total remittance to $3429.00.
Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return .
You can do this inexpensively by sending them one 1.5" Phillips Head screw (article from USA Today detailing how HUD pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips Head Screws is enclosed for your convenience.)
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely,
A Satisfied Taxpayer

True stuff from medical personel. :D Sidewinder

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs -and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX.
2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered..."Why, not for about twenty years - when my
husband was alive."
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass."
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
Submitted by RN no name
AND FINALLY!!!................
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".
Dr. wouldn't submit his name

The difference between a neurotic and a psychotic is that, while a psychotic thinks that 2 + 2 = 5, a neurotic knows the answer is 4, but it worries him.

--------------

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! That's terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

--------------

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

--------------

As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, "I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."

"In that case," said the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober"

--------------

3 Doctors at a Convention talking Shop.

The first Doctor says: "I love doing surgery on Artists, they are so colorful: red Hearts, pink Stomachs, green Spleens."

The next Doctor says: "Me, I love doing surgery on Accountants, open them up and all their Parts are numbered, makes it very easy.”

The third Doctor says: "I love doing surgery on Lawyers, they have no Heart, they have no Guts and the Head and the Ass are interchangeable!"



Liam

Quote:

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ROTFL.......I suggest this thread be renamed "Buf's Corner."

---

Ditto, 62 posts in this thread.....


Liam

I walked into a public toilet where I found two cubicles, of
which one was already occupied.

So I entered the other one, closed the door, dropped my
trousers and sat down.

A voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hello mate, how
are you doing?"

I thought it a bit strange but not wanting to be rude I
replied - "Yeah, not too bad thanks."

After a short pause, I heard the voice again "So, what are
you up to mate?

Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly it must be said.

Unsure what to say I replied "Umm, just having a quick poo..
How about yourself?"

I then heard the voice for the third time .

"Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some
idiot in the loo next to me answering everything I say."

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded. *
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"



He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."