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CB, somewhere along my ramblings via the web, I have misled you and for that I apologize. It is good for me that I am happily married. You see, I know that I have an easier life by knowing/feeling the way I do. Besides, I just do what she tells me to do ;)
I hasten to add though, I do know of one or two marriages that either he or she thinks they would be happier single or not married to the other.
This is my prison and I choose to remain incarcerated for life :D
It's not as hot here as California, but it's still been HOT. Severe storms these last few weeks have had lightning strikes that took out our phone system at work, killed the compressor in my Mom's A/C unit, and have kept all of our techs at work busy resetting units and repairing / replacing lightning damaged components.
By gotcha I meant I had a good smart alek reply to your comment of:DQuote:
NO, my wife CANNOT and WILL NOT be reading this
Ah, but it's fun to "pick" on people that have a good sense of humor :p
Quote:
Originally Posted by buf
Nahhh I understand ....... I think its great you are happy buf darlin :p
Not a joke but just some humorous "things". Some of these have probably happened to most of us over the years. OH, I had to alter the first one just a bit.
BTW, it is good to see Train posting again after such a long time. Perhaps he was on paid vacation; paid by Virtual Dr.
"Unnatural Laws"
Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands
become coated with grease your nose will
begin to itch or you'll have to use the bathroom.
Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when
dropped, will roll to the least accessible
corner.
Law of probability: The probability of being
watched is directly proportional to the
stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong
number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were
late for work because you had a flat tire, the
very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic
lanes), the one you were in will start to move
faster than the one you are in now. (works
every time)
Bath Theorem: When the body is fully
immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters: The probability of
meeting someone you know increases when
you are with someone you don't want to be
seen with.
Law of the Result: When you try to prove to
someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the
itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Theatre Rule: At any event, the people
whose seats are furthest from the aisle
arrive last.
Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to
a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you
to do something which will last until the
coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only
two people in a locker room, they will have
adjacent lockers.
Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of
an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face
down on a floor covering are directly
correlated to the newness and cost of the
carpet/rug.
Law of Location: No matter where you go,
there you are.
Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible
if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product
that you really like, they will stop making it.
Quote: Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product
that you really like, they will stop making it.
The same could be said of tv programs, when I find one I really like, they stop showing it.
That happens to me all the time .... as soon as I really find something I like .... something happens to it :confused:
I have been known to lie or lye, ley or whatever, sometimes :DQuote:
Originally Posted by buf
Good night to all you good people.
An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Walter Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight . His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed.
As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, "What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by her predictable, sarcastic remarks. While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered and was told that her husband's client, Walter Wright, had been granted his stay of execution after all. Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent over naked drying his legs and feet. They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
The attorney whirled around and screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud, woman, don't you ever stop!?"
LMAO! :eek: :D
A NUDDER ONE:
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral..... I'm a gynecologist."
That's when the proctologist fainted.
lmao Buf! those are great :D
Gotta another one for ya and this one is named:
DILEMMA
You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your right side is a valley and on your left side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.
Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.
Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
SEE the answer below
Get your drunk a.. off the Merry-Go-Round :)
:D good one!
The NEW Purina Dog Food Diet
I used to have a Labrador retriever and, one day, I was buying a large
bag of Purina dog food at Wal-Mart when the woman in line behind me
asked if I had a dog (here's your sign). On impulse, I told her that
no, I was starting The Purina Dog Food Diet again, although I probably
shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital the last time I went on
it, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care
unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both
arms.
I told her it was essentially a perfect diet and she asked me how it
worked. I explained that you load your pants pockets with Purina
nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food
is nutritionally complete so you're never hungry.
I have to mention here that, by now, practically everyone in the
checkout line was enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy
who was behind the lady talking to me.
The woman asked how I ended up in the hospital...had I been poisoned
by the diet? She was horrified of the potential outcome regardless of
its success.
Straight-faced, I told her no, I'd been sitting in the street licking
my b***s when a car hit me.
I thought the tall guy was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard.
:p
It was good to re-read that joke. I keep wondering how the lady behind you felt if and when she was able to intelligently process your story. Wonder if she was a blond ;)
The following is apparently a transcript of an actual radio conversation in October 1995, between a US Navy ship and the British authorities, off the Scottish North coast.
The transcript was apparently released by the MoD in 10/10 95.
BRITISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid collision.
US Navy: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the north to avoid collision.
BRITISH: Negative. You will have to divert you course 15 degrees to the south to avoid collision.
US Navy: This is the Captain of US Navy ship, I say again, divert YOUR course.
BRITISH: Negative. I say again, You will have to divert your course.
US Navy: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln. The second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels, Demand that you change your course 15 degrees north, that's 15 degrees north or counter measures will be taken to ensure the safety of this ship!
BRITISH: We're a lighthouse! smurf off!
Rex
Rex, that is a very definitive ending sentence. :p
The futuristic Haircut:
A salesman checked into a futuristic motel.
Realizing he needed a haircut before his meeting tomorrow, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.
"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes."
Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and spin.
Fifteen seconds later, he pulled out his head and look in the mirror, and saw the best haircut of his life.
"Would wonders never cease! This futuristic stuff is amazing," he thought.
Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures $10."
"Why not?" he thought.
He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and spin.
Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.
The next machine had a sign that read, "Machine provides a service men need when away from their wives, 50 cents."
"Oh, man.... do I ever need that!"
He looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening.
When the machine started buzzing, he let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out.
Fifteen seconds later it shut off.
With trembling hands, he was able to withdraw his member....
......which now had a button neatly sewn on the end.
lol Rex. it's funny and i can certainly believe it. If you’re the captain of a carrier battleground I think you would have the right to be a bit cocky.
When I first heard the one about the lighthouse and the aircraft carrier Abraham Lincoln a few years back it took place off the coast of Newfoundland. Good to see that it is still in circulation. :)
Urban Legend -
http://www.snopes.com/military/lighthse.htm
all I can say is OUCH! :D
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things
people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by
court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were
actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy
on him.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
https://discussions.virtualdr.com/im...2006/12/12.gifQuote:
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy
on him.
Those are great!!!
I seem to recall reading something similar to this but it came from a woman's view so here is a man's answer (I did not post this!!)
The final two lines sum up this "writing" pretty well.
Have a great weekend!!!
At last a guy has taken the time to
write this all down Finally ,
the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear "the rules"
From the female side. Now here are
the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!
1. Men ARE not mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to
think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only
If you want help solving it. That's what
we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends
are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem . See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us
1. If something we said can be interpreted
two ways and one of the ways makes you
sad or angry, we meant the other one ..
1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both. If you already know best how
to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever
you have to say during commercials
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea
what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will Be scratched.
We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," W e will act like nothing's
wrong. We know you are lying, but it
is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want
an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere,
absolutely anything you wear
Is fine... Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking
about unless you are prepared to discuss
such topics as baseball, the shotgun
formation, fishing or golf.
1 You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the
couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can
to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you
can to give them a bigger laugh.
Exactly and so true.Quote:
Originally Posted by buf
Yes...I agree..absolutely!! It's just not worth the hassle...that's why I'm single now..I like it...think I'll stay here. :)
edit to add: absolutely..heehee
What's long and hairy and hangs out of a man's pajamas?
His arm. :)
What goes in long and stiff and comes out soft and sticky?
A stick of gum. :)
:D too funny Doc
What lies on the ground and is brown and sticky.
A stick.
:D lmao Nix ;)
Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A blonde lady walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."
The blonde took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement & announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blond?
We ask for the height, and she gives us the length."
Bubba and Junior are currently doing government work supervising the reconstruction of the New Orleans Levees.
'tain't funny magee' :(Quote:
Originally Posted by buf
but unfortunately buf you are 'right-on'....and they will probably be elected :eek:
lmao Buf ..... thats a good one :D
You are right poppy4; that was a bad line BUT HEY, maybe the blond is supervising them!!
buf, the line was okay, 'cause it's probably true ......and I think the blonde was smart in this case. (for once)...:)Quote:
Originally Posted by buf
I was just using that old 'Fibber Magee and Molly' line.....:rolleyes:
Didn't think of them and that Fibber/Molly line. Heck that was last century and I was never a fan or theirs---but they didn't know that.
It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Lets begin by reviewing some American history. "Who said Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" said the teacher. "Now, who said, Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!"
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."
At that point, a student in the back said, "Im gonna puke." The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now, with almost a mob hysteria, the teacher said, "If you say anything else, Ill kill you!"
Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."
The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh ****, were in BIG trouble now!"
Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."
Finally, someone threw an eraser at Pedro and another student shouted, "Duck"!
The teacher, just waking up and still a bit out of it, asked "Who said that?
Pedro: "Dick Cheney 2006!"
Men are just simply happier people, and here is why...
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President. You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car Mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You dont have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you are talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes dont cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conservations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all of your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe even decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier!
As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite
embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my
embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".