Old hat, BJ--I heard that in 1979 using Carter's name. :D Here's a link to helpful people who heard Ted Kennedy needed a title for a children's book he's writing.... ;)
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Old hat, BJ--I heard that in 1979 using Carter's name. :D Here's a link to helpful people who heard Ted Kennedy needed a title for a children's book he's writing.... ;)
May be old hat but it is a true "question/remark" for today. Can't even fool a robot!!!
Rodney Dangerfield:
Its been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
I was such an ugly kid ... when I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I was such an ugly baby ... my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
I'm so ugly ... my father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and told my father, "We did everything we could ... but he pulled through."
I'm so ugly ... my mother had morning sickness after I was born.
Once when I was lost ... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" "He said, "I don't know kid ... there are so many places they can hide."
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
I'm so ugly ... I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.
I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
:D:D:D:D:D
Liam
My favorite Dangerfield one-liner: "I was such an ugly baby, when I was born the delivery-room doctor slapped my mother!"
Mine: " I was so poor....if i wasn't born a boy i would of had nothing to play with "
Liam
And I still say that I didn't come into this world with much and I still have most of it.
Hope this is a new one for everyone:
An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served them food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. "Tray-up, Bitch."
ANNUAL NEOLOGISM CONTEST
Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. The winning definitions are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation whilst drunk
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightgown
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavoured mouthwash
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), the belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men
A man and a woman who had never met before found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly; he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied . . . "Get your own damn blanket!"
After a moment of silence . . . He farted :D
Twenty Dollars
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and
asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.
In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drUnKEn state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million.
Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank, which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out:
"If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"
That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut!
Football Related. :D
Bloke comes home from the bar drunk at 4am in the morning. His wife is sleeping and he tries to sneak into bed. He's laying in bed for a few minutes and lets rip a fart. His wife wakes up and asks, "What in the world was that?"
He replies, "Touchdown, I'm up 7 nothing."
She thinks to herself, "I'm gonna fix him." Then she lets one loose.
He yells at her, "What was that?"
She replies "Touchdown, tie score."
Now he thinks, "I'm gonna fix her." He's laying there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard he craps in bed.
The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"
He replied, "Half time, switch sides."
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The place kicker missed his attempt at a field goal. He was so angry, he went to kick himself and missed again.
They call it their nickel defense, because that's what it's worth.
Wife to friend:"The most exciting play of the season was when Fred sat on the cheese dip."
I would have played football, but I have an intestinal problem - no guts.
I knew that he was on steroids. His I.Q. and neck size were the same number.
"I know I told you that I loved you more than football, honey, but that was during the strike."
Wife: "It's Super Monday. Football season is over!"
You know that your coaching job is in trouble when the marching band forms a noose at half-time.
Old quarterbacks never die. They just pass away.
We have so many players on the disabled list the team bus can park in a handicapped space.
This team employs their famous "Doughnut Defense" the one with the big hole in the middle.
This year I can assure you that we are going to move the ball. I just hope that it's forward.
The only way they can gain yardage is to run their game films backward.
Husband: "Hey, Marie, do you have anything you want to say before the football season starts?"
He retired due to illness and fatigue. The fans were sick and tired of his coaching.
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Animal Football Game
The animals were bored. Finally, the lion had an idea. "I know a really exciting game that the humans play called football. I've seen it on T.V."
He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got excited about it so they decided to play. They went out to the field and chose up teams and were ready to begin.
The lion's team received. They were able to get two first downs and then had to punt. The mule punted and the rhino was back deep for the kick. He caught the ball, lowered his head and charged. First, he crushed a roadrunner, then two rabbits. He gored a wildebeast, knocked over two cows, and broke through to daylight, scoring six.
Unfortunately, they lacked a placekicker, and the score remained 6 - 0.
Late in the first half the lion's team scored a touchdown and the mule kicked the extra point. The lion's team led at halftime 7 - 6. In the locker room, the lion gave a peptalk.
"Look you guys. We can win this game. We've got the lead and they only have one real threat. We've got to keep the ball away from the rhino, he's a killer. Mule, when you kick off be sure to keep it away from the rhino."
The second half began. Just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhino's team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino. Once again, the rhino lowered his head and was off running. First, he stomped two gazelles. He skewered a zebra, and bulldozed an elephant out of the way. It looked like he was home free. Suddenly at the twenty yard line, he dropped over dead. There were no other animals in sight anywhere near him. The lion went over to see what had happened. Right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede.
"Did you do this?" he asked the centipede.
"Yeah, I did." the centipede replied.
The lion retorted, "Where were you during the first half?"
"I was putting on my shoes."
Liam
ROFL, Good ones Liam. :D :D Sidewinder
Subject: AGE DIFFERENCE
A college student at a recent USC football game challenged a senior
citizen sitting next to him, saying it was impossible for their generation
to understand his.
"You grew up in a different world," the student said, loud enough for
everyone around them to hear. "Today we have television, satellite
positioning, jet planes, and space travel; men have walked on the moon;
our spaceships have visited Mars; and we even have nuclear energy,
electric and hydrogen cars, cell phones, and computers with high-speed
processing."
Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the geezer said,
"You're right. We didn't have these things when we were young, so we
invented them, you little twit. What are you doing for the next generation?"
Aren't seniors great!
Maybe you haven't seen this one:
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a fight, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most... "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.
He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions:
Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?
The wife put down her drink and said. . .
"Nah... let the old man dig. I had him buried upside down!"
:p