Glad you enjoyed it Buf. :)
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Glad you enjoyed it Buf. :)
Political Science for Dummies
DEMOCRATIC
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?
SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.
That was my favorite line :) :DQuote:
POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
Marcel Marceau tried to join al-Qaeda and become a suicide bomber, but was turned down.
A mime is a terrible thing to waste.
https://discussions.virtualdr.com/im.../2007/02/7.gif
lmaooooo guys ...... those are great :D
When Bob found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening. Three days later, she became his stepmother.
See .... some women are smart :D
See .... some women are smart.
You are right CB but you said you would NOT tell anyone about "that" part of my life. Daggumit, now the story is out :eek:
Well...... I changed the names to protect the not so innocent at least :D
some women are smart
YEP
You have probably seen these before but they just "struck" me as being funny---again.
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker
room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing
towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then
asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
**********************************************
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting
my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they
won't let me talk!"
**********************************************
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd
dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the
garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom
and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming
little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the
toilet a few days ago.
Quote:
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd
dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the
garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom
and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming
little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the
toilet a few days ago.
ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww :eek: :eek:
I would gargle with clorox!! :D
Maybe I'm just tired, but someone just sent me this and I had to post it:
Quote:
A guy walks into a store and asks,
'Hey! Ya got any duck food?' The manager says, 'No, We don't carry duck food.'
The next day the guy goes to the same store and asks,'Hey, Ya got any duck food?'
The manger says, 'No, I told you yesterday, we don't have any duck food.'
The next day the guy goes to the same store and asks,'Hey, Ya got any duck food?'
The manager says, 'Listen! We don't have ANY duck food! And if you come in here agin,
and ask for duck food, I'll nail your feet to the floor!!'
The next day the guy goes to the same store and asks,
'Hey, Ya got any nails?' The manager says, 'No.'
The guy says, 'You got any duck food?'
lmaoooooooo :D ....... thats great!!
<wide-grin> Cute. :)
HEY, maybe he was a girl---smart with the right questions. Gotta c/p and send tha one on to others.
A Cowboy Story
A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water. His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath - when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this", said the cowboy. "I'm not going to trust an IRS genie."
She smiled and said, "What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. He said, "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink." ***POOF*** The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
The genie said, "OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams." ***POOF**** The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
The genie said, "OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."
***POOF*** He turned into a ......
The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached
What??? Chocolate?? A Mirror??
:D
T----n
I was afraid I would be edited---but you got it GetaGrrrip!
I've never been good at hangman :D
lol :p
That's a take on the old joke about the Arab And The Genie. This animation was making it's rounds about four years ago or so.
If it's not appropriate feel free to delete.
http://www.atomfilms.com/af/content/atom_260
Mark Your Calendars For This Saturday.
As You May Already Know, It Is A Sin For A Taliban
Male To See Any Woman Other Than His Wife Naked, And
That He Must Commit Suicide If He Does.
So
This Saturday At 4 P.m. Eastern Time All American
Women Are Asked To Walk Out Of Their House Completely
Naked To Help Weed Out Any Neighborhood
Terrorists. Circling Your Block For One Hour Is
Recommended.
For This Anti-terrorist Effort. All Men Are To
Position Themselves In Lawn Chairs In Front Of Their
House To Prove They Are Not Taliban, And To
Demonstrate They Think It's Okay To See Nude Women
Other Than Their Wife And To Show Support For All
American Women.
Since The Taliban Also Does Not Approve Of Alcohol, A
Cold 6-pack At Your Side Is Further Proof Of Your
Anti-taliban Sentiment.
The American Government Appreciates Your Efforts To
Root Out
Terrorists
And
Applauds Your Participation In This Anti-terrorist
Activity.
God Bless America.
It Is Your Patriotic Duty To Pass This On.
Is this a "politically correct thing to do"?
Well, even if it isn't, I'll do it---err watch that is :D
My father received this from AARP, he just told me about it over the phone.
"Exercises for seniors to build muscles:
Stand on a comfortable surface where you have room to either side of you, take a 5lb potato sack in each hand, and raise your arms till they're parallel with the ground, and try to hold that position as long as you can.
Once you can hold them for a full minute, graduate to the 10lb potato sacks, and again, build up the process until you can hold them outstretched for a full minute.
Then likewise continue until you can do this with 50, and then 100lb potato sacks!
Once you can do that for a full minute with 2 100lb potato sacks, put a potato in each of the sacks!
https://discussions.virtualdr.com/im...2006/12/12.gif
hahaha! Love it JP! :D
Tell your Dad thank you :D
HARD TO FIND
Two guys from Minnesota are sittin' in a boat on Mud Lake fishing and suckin' down beers when all of a sudden Mike says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over six months."
Harry sips his beer and says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."
hahahaha!! Thats excellent buf :D
Work vs. Prison
IN PRISON..........you spend the majority of your time in an 10X10 cell.
AT WORK............you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8
cubicle.
IN PRISON.........you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...........you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for
it.
IN PRISON..........you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK............you get more work for good behavior.
IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK............you must often carry a security card and open all the
doors for yourself.
IN PRISON..........you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...........you could get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON.........you get your own toilet.
AT WORK..........you have to share the toilet with some people who pee
on the seat.
IN PRISON..........they allow
your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK............you
aren't even supposed to speak to your family.
IN PRISON........all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work
required.
AT WORK............you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and
they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON..........you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to
Get out.
AT WORK .......you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go
inside bars.
IN PRISON ........you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK..........they are called managers. :D
hahaha :D ........ ain't that the truth :D
A lotta parallels there poppy4 but you know what, I'll stay where I am until I screw up my life----too late for that. Been there but ain't done THAT yet.
Most of my life is spent in a 12x25 glass enclosed room WITH a door to the outside of my "BIG" house and a glass door to the inside to go to the food and bathroom!! AC, carpeted floor, recliner and 4 other comfortable chairs and a 32" color TV and with a stand alone VCR Recorder/DVD player. AND MY COMPUTER :p Yep, I'll stay where I am and not trade with "Life on the Outside".
Thanks for helping to further know how fortunate I am. :D
(NOW if only I could have a wife like my Hard to Find joke above, I'd be set.)
NO, my wife CANNOT and WILL NOT be reading this :cool:
***google.com "Mrs. Buf in Florida" + home phone number***Quote:
NO, my wife CANNOT and WILL NOT be reading this :cool:
:D
Well that's just mean, that's what that is :D
OK "Rita". You name the time and place and I'll give you that info[B]in person[/]
Don't forget to bring that healthy baby!!!
Okay, I'm cracking up here, but...you know I got ya! :p :D
Just glad for the laughs, been a crazy day at work. Imagine that, it's hotter than hot, and everyone wants their A/C to work!?! 'Tis the season.
MargarRitaOTR (OTR is on the rocks), better known as GetaGrrrip
buf,
I admire your temerity, but you should hide your spouse's reading glasses just in case she joins VDr.... :p
.....and if I should ever be unfortunate enuf to go 'inside', when I get out I'm heading straight for you 'pleasure-palace"....:D
Have a friend in Sacramento, CA and it is 100 plus there and having rolling blackouts :eek: 80's during the night. Is this some of Bush's answer to the global warming warming? Hey. he sweats also--I've seen his wet shirts(and I don't mean "wet tee shirt contests")Quote:
Originally Posted by GetaGrrrip
BTW, don't know where you got me. Is this a gotcha you got?
poppy, you are welcome any time. Gotta warn you though; anyone using words like-temerity--in my house gets a mop to mop up after their mess. :D
being an ex-'swabby' that mop doesn't scare me at all.Quote:
Originally Posted by buf
....what does scare me is an irate wife....:eek:
and thanks for the 'welcome' to you palace...:rolleyes:
lmao buf! I'm sure you aren't the only person who views being married as kin to being in prison :D :D
Quote:
Originally Posted by poppy4
Reminds me of an old joke I heard Poppy ...
It went something like ....
A husband gets home from work to see his wife holding a broom...... he says to her in a sarcastic tone........ Still cleaning or did you just land?
........ he spend the next 4 hours in the emergency room.
:D