Anyone heard any new jokes lately?

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and
says," I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and
I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

We can't stand the sight of each other any
longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking
about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "They are not getting a divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"

She calls
Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced.
Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back,
and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR
ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

:D :D :D

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.

***********************************************************

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4 Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.

Small Boy wrote to Santa Claus, "Send me a brother!!"

Santa wrote back, "Send me your mother!"
;) :D

Massachusetts law mandates instructions in Braille on all drive-up banking facilities.

I'm not sure if that's funny or not... :confused:

poppy4---that is F U N N Y!!!!

lgbpop, one would think that the blind would have to be a passenger but since it is a MESS law; who knows. As an aside, I have never seen an ATM machine in place for a car to access it for use by the passenger!!! Hey, guess the car could be driven up to the machine in the opposite direction :eek: Yeah, I am deliriously happy since ridding my PC of the Spyaxe.

This is really a "Gotcha"

A preacher finished the service one morning by saying, next Sunday, I

am going to preach on the subject of LIARS. As a preparation for my

sermon, I would like you all to read Mark 17.



On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin. Looking out at the

congregation he said, Last week I asked you all to read Mark 17. If you

have read the chapter, please raise your hand. Nearly every hand in

the congregation went up. Smiling, the preacher said, you are the very

people I want to talk to. Mark has only 16 chapters.
(To be sure, I just checked my Bible and sure enough, Mark only has 16 chapters)

Not a joke but an excellent read. Enjoy

The Difference Between Christmas and Chanukah

For those of us who celebrate both...OY!


1. Christmas is one day, same day every year,December25. Jews also love December 25th. It's another paid day off work. We go to movies and out for Chinese food and Israeli dancing. Chanukah is 8 days. It starts the evening of the 24th of Kislev, whenever that falls. No one is ever sure. Jews never know until a non-Jewish friend asks when Chanukah starts, forcing us to consult a calendar so we don't look like idiots. We all have the same calendar, provided free with a donation from the World Jewish Congress, the kosher butcher,or the local Sinai Memorial Chapel (especially in Florida) or other
Jewish funeral home.



2. Christmas is a major holiday. Chanukah is a minor holiday with the same theme as most Jewish holidays. They tried to kill us, we survived, let's eat.



3. Christians get wonderful presents such as jewelry, perfume, stereos... Jews get practical presents such as underwear, socks, or the collected works of the Rambam, which looks impressive on the bookshelf.



4. There is only one way to spell Christmas. No one can decide how to spell Chanukah, Chanukkah, Chanukka, Hanukah, Hannukah, etc.



5. Christmas is a time of great pressure for husbands and
boyfriends. Their partners expect special gifts. Jewish men are relieved of that burden. No one expects a diamond ring on Chanukah.



6. Christmas brings enormous electric bills. Candles are used for Chanukah. Not only are we spared enormous electric bills, but we get to feel good about not contributing to the energy crisis.




7. Christmas carols are beautiful...Silent Night, Come All Ye
Faithful....Chanukah songs are about dreidels made from clay or having a party and dancing the hora. Of course, we are secretly pleased that many of the beautiful carols were composed and written by our tribal brethren. And don't Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond sing them beautifully?



8. A home preparing for Christmas smells wonderful. The sweet
smell of cookies and cakes baking. Happy people are gathered around in festive moods. A home preparing for Chanukah smells of oil, potatoes, and onions. The home, as always, is full of loud people all talking at once.



9. Christian women have fun baking Christmas cookies. Jewish women burn their eyes and cut their hands grating potatoes and onions for latkas on Chanukah. Another reminder of our suffering through the ages.



10. The players in the Christmas story have easy to pronounce
names such as Mary, Joseph, and Jesus. The players in the Chanukah story are Antiochus, Judah Maccabee, and Matta whatever. No one can spell it or pronounce it. On the plus side, we can tell our friends anything and they believe we are wonderfully versed in our history.



11. Many Christians believe in the virgin birth. Jews think,
"Yossela, Bubela, snap out of it. Your woman is pregnant, you didn't sleep with her, and now you want to blame G-d? Here's the number of my shrink".



12. In recent years, Christmas has become more and more
commercialized. The same holds true for Chanukah, even though it is a minor holiday. It makes sense. How could we market a major holiday such as Yom Kippur? Forget about celebrating. Think observing. Come to synagogue, starve yourself for 27 hours, become one with your dehydrated soul, beat your chest, confess your sins, a guaranteed good time for you and your family. Tickets a mere $200 per person. Better stick with Chanukah!





Now, if anyone asks you what the difference is between Christmas and Chanukah you will know what and how to answer!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thanks buf...
I think it's hilarious....could be a stand up comics routine...
11 & 12 cracked me up.:D

JUST A FEW WORDS OF THOUGHT:

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's
permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an
aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and
perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was
over.

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as
it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

Reminds me of two weeks ago when I called my mom on her 80th birthday. This prim, proper woman who used to blush at anything informed me she was suffering from "furniture disease." I finally asked her what that was and she said, "My chest is falling into my drawers." :eek:

furniture disease---LOL Never heard that before!!

It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing Claude

was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed

hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room,

he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people

up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every

member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful

antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye

on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family

for six generations.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly

chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The

crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light

gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until,

suddenly,----- it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to

the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

S**t!" said the Hypnotist...

It took three weeks to clean up the senior center

This one has probably made the 'rounds' but just in case....

Homer, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM .

He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump..

The blonde looked at Homer and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Homer says,"You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Homer placed $20 on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 to Homer, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money.."
Homer replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5o'clock news and knew he would jump."

The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Homer took the money

Got room for this "Catholic VS Jewish" joke?

A Jewish man was in St. Vincent's Hospital
recovering from an emergency operation
when a nun walked into his room.

She was there to cheer up the sick and ailing.

The man and nun started talking and the nun
asked about the man's life. The man talked
about his wife and 13 children.

"My, my," said the nun, "13 children . . . You're
a good, proper Catholic family man. G-d is
very proud of you!"

"I'm sorry, Sister," the man said, "I am not
Catholic. I'm Jewish."

"Jewish!?" she replies and immediately
gets up to leave.

"Sister, why are you leaving?"

"I didn't realize I was talking to a sex maniac!"

Proof of Global Warming