Anyone heard any new jokes lately?

SHOP AT WAL-MART

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal- Mart.


He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.


The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.(Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart!!

AND THERE YOU HAVE IT....WAL-MART DOES HAVE ITS USES

https://discussions.virtualdr.com/im...2007/01/12.gif Too funny, my sides hurt.

That is a good 'un!! Gonna try putting an interesting and active "flash" on next. Don't know if it will work.

Subject: Sperm Sample


A 75-year-old man went to his doctor to get a sperm count checkup.
The Dr. gave him a jar, sent him home and told him to bring back a semen sample tomorrow. The next day, the 75-year-old man returned to the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this. ... First I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arlene, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbor!!??"

The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what all three of us tried, but with our arthritis, we still couldn't get the jar open."

Got a neighbor with an attitude?
This will get em'....

VRDR members... pls remember that this is a family oriented web site. Over the last few weeks some of our jokes have gotten more than a bit adult oriented . Pls keep it clean.

Thanks

A very fair reminder fink. I am one of those guilty ones. I felt "led" to post a few but primarily after having seen similar jokes; etc.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by buf

A very fair reminder fink. I am one of those guilty ones. I felt "led" to post a few but primarily after having seen similar jokes; etc.

---

Good enough buf, just remember before you post if you would want younger members of your family to view what you are posting. It always works for me. Nuff said;)
Heres one I thought was quite good. SW

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding
anniversary on the beach in Montego Bay, Jamaica.
Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk
of the town.

"What a peaceful & loving couple".

The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to
the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America, " explained the man.

"We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip down to the
bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my
wife'shorse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife
looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once."

"We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled
again, this timecausing her to drop her water.
Once more my wife quietly said,"That's twice."

We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse
stumbled for a third time.

My wife quietly removed a revolver from her
purse and shot the horse dead.

I shouted at her, "What 's wrong with you,
Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that?
Are you crazy??"

She looked at me, and quietly said, "That's once."

"And from that moment... we have lived happily ever after."

NO MORE REFLECTIONS ON THE PAST/PRESENT!!!

Well, it's not a mid-life crisis, but here's
how things worked out for me.

Married 25 years, took a look at my wife one
day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had

a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a

sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and

white TV, but I got to sleep every night with
a hot 25 year old blond. Now, we have a nice
house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV,

but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It

seems to me that you are not holding up your

side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told
me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond,

and she would make sure that I would once again

be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap
car, watching a 10" black and white TV, and
sleeping on a sofa bed...............

HA HA! Good one, Buf!
Never mess with women, we're dangerous ;)

Ya got that right GetaGrrrip and that is why I don't mess with you women---no more :D
I recently read the signature of someone somewhere that was quiet appropriately put. Well from her point of view, I suppose. Can't put it here though.

:D How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can! 't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When! she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------! ------- -----------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested. :D :eek: :D

Nice one(s).

lmao. oh i can see myself getting in a lot of trouble telling them, but it has to be done.

You know I just had to post this :D

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because they already have boyfriends.

Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
He had it bronzed.

What is gross stupidity?
144 men in one room.

Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?

What is a man's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.

What is the thinnest book in the world?
"What men know about women."

What is a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.

How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.

What do men and beer have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.

How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares?

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
Who knows? - did it ever happen?? (My personal favorite!)

What is the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.

Why does a man like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.

Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.

What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.

What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.

What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack.

How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomach every time they see a bikini

What do you do if your best friend runs off with your husband?
Miss her.
Pity her.

What is a "successful hunting trip"?
When three men kill 9 cases of Budweiser in two days

How are men like noodles?
They are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

What do you call a woman that works like a man??
A Lazy witch.

How do most men define marriage?
A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

What's the difference between an intelligent man and a UFO?
I don't know, I've never seen either one.

^^^ ;) Just like a woman, gotta get the last word in. :D :D BJ

:p But would you men expect anything less? ;)

:rolleyes:

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said,
"Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."

Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Kenny said, "OK then, just unload the donkey."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off."

Farmer, " You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Kenny, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

Kenny, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00."

Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Kenny, " Just the guy what won, so I gave him his two dollars back."

Kenny grew up and eventually became the Chairman of Enron.

Doc," says Arthur, "I want to be castrated."
"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.
"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I
want to have it done", replies Arthur.
"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor.
"It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no
going back. It will change your life forever!"
"I'm aware of that doc and you're not going to change my mind;
either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."
"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "but its against my better judgment!"
So Arthur has his operations and the next day he is up and
walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with
his IV stand. Heading toward him is another patient, who is walking exactly the
same way. "Hi there", says Arthur. "It looks like you've just had the same
operation as me." "Well", said the patient.
"I finally decided after 37 years that I would like to be Circumcised."
Arthur stared at him in horror...
"Darn, THAT'S THE WORD!!!!" :eek:

Expensive Dish
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal.

Feeling somewhat hungry he sat down and looked over the menu...

Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Baked Politician: $100.00.

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the politician?"

The cook replied "Have you ever tried to clean one of them?"

A Blonde was on her way home from work when she saw a raging building fire...

She stopped at the nearest phone booth and called 911...

In an excited voice she told the operator about the fire and to send the fire department fast....

The operator asked "How do we get there?"...

She paused for a moment and said ...... "Well duh, the big red truck!!"


:D

As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc.

Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your Captain, Judith Campbell and crew take you safely to your destination."

Ed sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, " Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?"

When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"

"Yes, " said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."

"My God," said Ed, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."

" That's another thing sir, " said the attendant, " We no longer call it the cock pit."

" Now it's known as the Box Office."

Lol....:D

https://discussions.virtualdr.com/im.../2007/10/6.gif

WHEN WE GIRLS DRINK TOO MUCH............



1. WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE OUR PURSE IS.

2. WE BELIEVE THAT DANCING WITH OUR ARMS OVERHEAD AND WIGGLING OUR BUTT WHILE YELLING "WOO-HOO!" IS TRULY THE SEXIEST DANCE MOVE AROUND.

3. WE'VE SUDDENLY DECIDED THAT WE WANT TO KICK SOMEONE'S ASS AND HONESTLY BELIEVE WE COULD DO IT TOO.

4. IN OUR LAST TRIP TO THE BATHROOM, WE REALIZE THAT WE NOW LOOK MORE LIKE A HOMELESS HOOKER THAN THE GODDESS WE WERE JUST FOUR HOURS AGO

5.WE START CRYING AND! TELLING EVERYONE WE SEE THAT WE LOVE THEM SOOOOO MUCH.

6. WE GET EXTREMELY EXCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN EVERY TIME A NEW SONG PLAY'S BECAUSE "OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS SONG!"

7. WE'VE FOUND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO THE GEEK SITTING NEXT TO US.

8. WE'VE SUDDENLY TAKEN UP SMOKING AND BECOME REALLY GOOD AT IT.

9. WE YELL AT THE BARTENDER, WHO WE BELIEVE CHEATED US BY GIVING US
JUST LEMONADE, BUT THAT'S JUST BECAUSE WE CAN NO LONGER TASTE THE GIN.

10. WE THINK WE ARE IN BED, BUT OUR PILLOW FEELS STRANGELY LIKE THE KITCHEN FLOOR (or the mop?)

11. WE FAIL TO NOTICE THAT THE TOILET LID'S DOWN WHEN WE SIT ON IT.

12. WE TAKE OUR SHOES OFF BECAUSE WE BELIEVE IT'S THEIR FAULT THAT WE'RE HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING STRAIGHT.

:D

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Crimson Blonde

2. WE BELIEVE THAT DANCING WITH OUR ARMS OVERHEAD AND WIGGLING OUR BUTT WHILE YELLING "WOO-HOO!" IS TRULY THE SEXIEST DANCE MOVE AROUND.

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No complaints here...

lmao ;)

One of the surest ways to know when you/we have had too much to drink is when we can't catch the comode!!
Love your descriptions of ...... ;)

This is an oldie but someone may not have read it:

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer , he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said,

"I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old men can still think fast. :D

:D :D Smart thinking lmaoooo!!

Never saw a gator in North Carolina. :D Must have been one of them there mountain gators.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by buf

One of the surest ways to know when you/we have had too much to drink is when we can't catch the comode!!

---

So...that means that men must be drunk all the time! :p

Sorry, but Buf left the door wide open on that one, and I couldn't resist! :D

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by lgbpop

Never saw a gator in North Carolina. :D Must have been one of them there mountain gators.

---

Actually, there are gators in North Carolina. NC Gators

I would not go into a bathroom and leave the door wide open!!! And, of course, I was referring to using the commode for up-chucking; not the more obvious need for such an "instrument" whether it be female or male :p

Yeah, yeah, sure Buf :) AND I wasn't peeking!

:D

lmaooooooo ...... thank you for that clarification :D

Homer quotes:

"Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddys, and kids with fake IDs."

"Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."

"You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine."

"Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel."

"If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers."

"To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems!"

"I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode! I think it was called, 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."

"I want to share something with you - the three sentences that will get you through life. Number one, 'cover for me.' Number two, 'oh, good idea, boss.' Number three, 'it was like that when I got here."

"Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda."

"Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumps Ville. Population: you."

"Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night."

"Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get."

"Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn't - it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such."

"Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way."

"Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain whats-his-name?"

"We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughin', did you?"

"Television - teacher, mother, secret lover!"

"Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, 'you're making a scene."

:D

Liam

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead
sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat
down, but lacks the nerve to start a conversation.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket
towards the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in
place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the
theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her
deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for
everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a
nightcap ..... and stay for breakfast.

They have a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a
gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything has
been SO incredible!!!!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to
every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies........." She says: "You just happened to catch my
eye."

:eek: :o :rolleyes: :)

A change of pace and BTW, have a safe and happy July 4th

Children in Church

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry"?

"Sixteen," the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.

"How do you know that"?

"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said, 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."