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A guy call his boss one morning and tells him that
he is staying home because he is not feeling well.
"What's the matter?" he asks
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," he says in a weak voice.
"What the hell is anal glaucoma inquired the boss?"
"I can't see my butt coming into work today." :eek:
An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied: a
can of peaches. The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6. The judge then said,
"I will give you 6 days in jail.
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's
husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. He
said, " What is it? " The husband said "She also stole a can of peas."
LOL@BJ! Man I wish I'd used that at least once.
This apparently was a real memo sent at a computer company to its employees in all seriousness...
This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor.
"Mouse Balls"
Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit). Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.
Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method.
Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.
Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items." :D
Frank And His Six Pack
Every night, Frank would go down to the liquor store, get a six pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV.
One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang.
He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there.
The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, then left.
The next night, after he finished his fourth beer, the doorbell rang.
He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there.
The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.
The next night, after he finished his first beer, the doorbell rang again.
The same six-foot cockroach was standing there.
This time he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain.
Then the big bug left.
The fourth night Frank didn't drink at all.
The doorbell rang.
The cockroach was standing there.
The bug beat the snot out of Frank and left him in a heap on the living room floor.
The following day, Frank went to see his doctor.
He explained the events of the preceding four nights.
"What can I do?" he pleaded.
.
.
.
.
"Not much," the doctor replied. "There's just a nasty bug going around."
:D Dam,This is Hilarious!!! Read the whole thing. This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan. This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you get to the response letter. SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County
Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:
Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.
A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.
The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2005.
Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.
Sincerely,
David L. Price, District Representative Land and Water Management Division
** Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries: ** Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.
Dear Mr. Price,
Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. A couple of beavers are in the process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.
While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose.
I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.
As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.
My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this state to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.
I have several concerns. My first concern is; aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.
If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.
In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources(Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).
So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2005? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.
In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!) Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.
THANK YOU.
RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS :D :D :D
LMAO :D :D :D :D
That is a dam cute story Sidewinder. I thought it was dam cute the frist dam time I read it-----and it is dam true. Read about it here:
http://www.snopes.com/humor/letters/dammed.htm
Funny, very funny! :D
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The
ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you
but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this
taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That
sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not
Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to
Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe
you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to
look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you
can't - I've cut off your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and
says "Dam!"
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in
the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't
have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing
in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about
an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't
stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes
to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in
Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of
himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her
husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband
responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate
very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he
suffered from bad breath. This made him ..(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's
good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to
his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them
laugh. No pun in ten did.
BAD FOOD
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material
we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting
here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your
stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can
be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by
the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the
most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here
tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for
years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row
raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
What Smell?
Maxine took her car to her mechanic. She told him "Every time I take any of my friends out in my car, after a while there is this terrible smell !! . It never happens when I am on my own"
This quite intrigued the mechanic so he said, "OK, lets go for a spin and see what the problem is". Off they went. She drove down a one-way street in the wrong direction at 60 MPH, swerving, hitting the curb on both sides of the street, narrowly missed three pedestrians in pedestrian crossings, ran several red lights, and just missed a policeman on street traffic duty. They returned to the shop and she said, There it is now; there's that terrible; smell. Can you smell it?"
"Smell it? Hell lady, I'm sitting in it".
"Weeweechu"
One beautiful December evening Pedro and his girlfriend Rosita were
sitting beside the ocean. It was a romantic full moon, when
Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's play Weeweechu." "Oh no, not now, lets
look at the moon" said Rosita. "Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play
Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged. "But I
wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." "Please, corazoncito,
just once, play Weeweechu with me." ? Rosita looked at Pedro and said,
"OK, one time, we'll play Weeweechu." Pedro grabbed his guitar and they
both sang..... "Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry
Christmas, "Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year." MERRY
CHRISTMAS!!!!! [NOW GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER!]
Ha ha buf, thought this was gonna be the first post in here that I had to censor, till I got to the end. :D BJ
Yeah BJ, my mind was "running wild" until I read the ending also.