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Okay, since 99.97% of the readers (unscientific count ;) ) of this forum are men, this should put us in our "place" and the girls won't hear this words as they flow from your speakers.) Hope you have Power Point installed!!
OH OH this may not work but I'll try anyway:
TheMansong.pps
I hate to give up so I Googled for it. Hope this works:
http://homepage.ntlworld.com/ian.watson69/mansong.html
I love The Man Song!
:)
The Great Writer
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
:p
I think he succeeded!! :(
I like the latest one where the Windows Live Messenger Setup Wizard informs you that you must close the Windows Live Messenger Setup Wizard before you can continue installing Windows Live Messenger with the Windows Live Messenger Setup Wizard:
http://www.spywaredrguide.com/Virtua...sn_paradox.gif
"... stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
:)
After retiring, I went to the social security office to apply for Social
Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify
my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I
told
the woman that I was very sorry but I seemed to have left my wallet at
home.
"I will have to go home and come back later."
The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt revealing
my
curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof
enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I told my wife about my experience at the social
security
office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have
gotten disability too."
:eek:
:eek: :D :D :D
One day, God created the dog and said:
"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in
or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten
years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.
On the next day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do
tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long
time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"
And God agreed.
On the next day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the
field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves
and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you
a life span of
sixty years."
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for
sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
God agreed again.
Then on the next day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry
and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years"
But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty,
the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our
family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren. The last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark
at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
lol. so thats how it all happened :rolleyes: ;)
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay
her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and
listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so
sorry, your Duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100%
certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!", she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!!??
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20 but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150.00.
Now that is funny! :D :D
A Guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and
sees its filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be
thousands of dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks. "What's up with the jar?"
"Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?"
"Pay first, those are the rules," says the bartender. So the man gives
him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.
"OK," the bartender says, "here's what you need to do:
First, you have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila, the
whole thing, all at once ... and you can't make a face while doing it.
Second, There's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You
have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.
Third, there's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never been satisfied.
You've gotta make things right for her."
The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot ! I
won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila,
and then do those other things. . ."
"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."
As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he
asks,Where ez zat tequila?" He grabs the gallon with both hands and
downs it with a big slurp. Tears are streaming down both cheeks, but he
doesn't make a face.
Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon
the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside.
They hear the pit bull barking and growling, the guy screaming, the pit
bull yelping and then silence.
Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back
into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches and bites
all over his body.
"Now," he says, "where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"
lmao. i wondered where that was going as it was running out of space. turned out be a good finish :D
Hope all have a happy and safe Memorial Day...and remember to acknowledge it's reasons for celebration.
A distinguished looking young lady is on a flight returning from
Switzerland. She finds herself seated next to a priest and asks, "Excuse me
father, may I ask a favor of you?"
"Well of course Miss, what can I do for you?" he replies.
"Here's the dilemma, I purchased for myself, a superbly sophisticated
electronic hair remover. I paid a lot of money for it. I really went well
over the limits set forth by Customs, and I fear they will confiscate it
from me. Could you perhaps secret it through Customs for me under your
robes?"
"I certainly could my dear, only I must warn you, I really am not ever able
to lie..."
"You have such an honest face father, surely they will never ask any
questions of you," and with that she hands him the hair remover.
After landing they proceed through Customs and it becomes the father's turn
in line.
"Father, do you have anything to declare?" asks the Customs officer.
"From the top of my head to my waist I have nothing to declare my son."
Finding this answer a little strange the custom's officer proceeds to ask,
"And from the waist to the floor, what do you have to declare?"
The father replies, "I have a marvelous little instrument destined to be
used on a woman, but which has never yet been used..."
Roaring with laughter the Custom's officer says, "Go right through father.
Next!"
Four retired guys, two from California and two from Arizona, are walking down a street in Chicago. Then they turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timer's Bar" "ALL DRINKS 10 CENTS!"
They look at each other, and then go in.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you. What'll it be, Gentlemen?"
There seems to be a fully stocked bar, so the 4 men each asked for a martini.
In short order, the bartender serves up 4 iced martinis and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."
They can't believe their good luck.
They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.
Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please."
They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand.
They've each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar.
Finally one of the men couldn't stand it any longer and asks the bartender, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?"
"Here's my story. I'm a retired tailor from Brooklyn, and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime - wine, liquor, beer, all the same."
"Wow!! That's quite a story," says one of the men.
The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice three other guys at the end of the bar who didn't have a drink in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.
One man gestures at the three at the end of the bar wi thout drinks and asks the bartender, "What's with them?"
The bartender says, "They're seniors from Florida. They're waiting for happy hour."
LOL, couple of good ones, Buf :)
TWO WOMEN IN HEAVEN
1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda
2nd woman: Hi! My name is Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. Instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching tv.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet
and checked under the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer ........we'd both still be alive.
Subject: FW: Cure yourself
There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand. This virus is called Weekly-Overloaded-Recreational-Killer (WORK).
If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest bar. Purchase the antidotes known as Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE) or Begin-Excessive-Extremity-Relaxer (BEER).
Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
The ONLY way I get by each day imadreamer2 ;)
Just grin and bear, bare, beer it each day.
Hmmm, for me:
Makes-A-Really-Great-And-Relaxing-Invigorating-Time-Again
(just add salt)
Hub wants honorable mention, but since I didn't use the word he suggested for "I" he can forget it.
This farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.
The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Kenny the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny.
The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, but first he gave the rooster a pep talk "I want you to pace yourself. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me, a lot of money; consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun, "the farmer said, with a chuckle.
Kenny seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and Kenny takes off like a shot. WHAM! Kenny nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure enough, Kenny is in there. Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.
The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next morning to find Kenny on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."
Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says "Shhhh, they're getting closer!"
eyebrow's joke reminded me of one I saved a loong time ago. Here it is for you to enjoy--well maybe:
Three Legged Chicken
--------------------
A man was driving along a rural road one day when he saw a three legged chicken. He was amused enough to drive along side it for a while, as he was driving he noticed the chicken was running 30 mph. Pretty fast chicken, he thought, I wonder just how fast it can run. So he sped up and the chicken did too! They were now moving along the road at 45 mph! The man in the car sped up again, to his surprise the chicken was still running ahead of him at 60 mph!!!
Suddenly the chicken turned off the road and ran down a long driveway leading to a farmhouse. The man followed the chicken to the house and saw a man in the yard and dozens of three legged chickens. The man in the car called out to the farmer "How did you get all these three legged chickens?"
The farmer replied, "I breed 'em. Ya see it's me, my wife and my son living here and we all like to eat the chicken leg. Since a chicken only has two legs, I started breeding this three legged variety so we could all eat our favorite piece."
"That's amazing!" said the driver "How do they taste?"
"Don't rightly know, can't catch 'em."
Eyebrows, I wasn't expecting that ending, good one!Quote:
Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says "Shhhh, they're getting closer!"
:D
I am just passing them---I still don't write these---buf
Will this one one fly?
A QUICKIE
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot", he shouted.
A few moments passed ... "An ambulance just drove by"
A few moments later," Looks like the Anderson's have company", he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike...."
A few moments later, 'Looks like the Sanders are moving"
"Jason is on his skate board...."
A few more moments, "The Coopers are having sex !!"
Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed ! Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they are having sex ?"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle too."
There are three premiership teams stranded in a desert - Manchester United, Liverpool and Arsenal. They have been there for one week when they finally come across a dead camel. The Man United players say 'As we're ManCHESTer United, we'll have the chest.' The Liverpool players say 'As we're LIVERpool, we'll have the liver.' 'We're not hungry,' say the Arsenal players.
Liam
liam858 will you please give directions to the nearest OASIS--heck I would even settle for the MIRAGE :p
Hmm, they didn't want "rump roast"? :p
The Alaska Department of Fish and Game recently issued this bulletin
.......
"Warning: In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers hunters and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the field.
We advise outdoorsmen to wear noisy little bells on their clothing, so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.
Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and
Grizzly bear manure:
Black bear manure is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear manure has little bells in it and smells like “pepper."
ROFL! "You a dancer?" ... "Naw, I'm just drunk." :D
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even...Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along. :p
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant
when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table,
gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later
and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough,
I want a divorce."
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we
get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more
wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti
or Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is
yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous
babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies. :D
Yeah, more Brokeback Jokes...
Brokeback Deputies
Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save
money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with
Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make
one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first deputy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next
morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said,
"Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just
sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning, same
Thing – hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, "Man, what
happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the
roof. I watched him all night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football
player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed
and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said.
They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?" He said,
"Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed
him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long."
Yeah, I laughed at that one the first time I heard/read it--and several times since. A similar thing happened to me in the 70's when I roomed with a "Wimpy"(comics) and he snored loudly the first night but not other nights--I pulled the same trick on him and he watched me all night. (He didn't have to but he didn't know that for sure that I was/am straight :p :D )
(This happened while in a seminar at Arnold Palmer's Bay Hill Golf Club in Orlando, as an added foot note.)
The story is out so I may as well share it with you :(
GOOD
In Richardson , Texas State Trooper was running radar. He had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting any. Then he discovered the problem. A 12 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD!" The officer later found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading, "TIPS" and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)
BETTER
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Plano , Texas . A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.
BEST
A young woman was pulled over in Austin, Texas for speeding. As the TX State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Texas State Police Ball." He replied, " Texas State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.
A soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there.
Out of breath he asked,
"Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few minutes. I'll explain WHY later." The nun agreed.
Just a moment later two Military Police came running along and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier running by here??"
The nun replied, "He went that way-->."
After the MP's disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see I don't want to go to Iraq."
The nun said, "I think I can fully understand your fear."
The soldier added, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you have a great pair of legs!"
The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either."
That makes three of us...
Love it steve 83. :D
10. "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time
management course you sent me to!"
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got
here just in time."
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and
envisioning a new business strategy."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-
related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice
Yoga?"
4. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out how to
handle that big accounting problem."
3. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you
put your ear down real close?"
2. "Who put decaf in the wrong pot?!?"
AND THE NUMBER ONE best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at
your desk........
1. Raise your head slowly and say,
"...in Jesus name, Amen."
Oh Sh**!
1) more till 600!!!
Can I be a Power Post'r now?
Like on Obey?
"Earn the mark of a high-quality spam-post'r!!"
http://home.swbell.net/steve83/psIcon_50x25.gif